Long-time readers of this blog may remember that, over two hundred posts ago, I wrote a post about the first season of an obscure YoutTube series about two cheerleaders who are cajoled into joining the chess club. At the end of the last episode, the main cheerleader kisses the chess club’s president. After such an unbelievable if satisfying apotheosis, what else could there be to say? Let’s find out!
Before I give you my episode-per-episode review, perhaps a quick recap of the first season is in order. Howard and Gwen are co-captains of the chess club. Two cheerleaders, Ashley and Jessica, join the club. The first season deals with one enormous question: how on earth could such a thing happen? It turns out that it’s because Howard has blackmail material in the form of Ashley kissing him as a dare.
Episode 1
Howard is extremely happy because they got new material. They’re still calling clocks ‘timers’, which is rather sad. There’s also very little chess being played, given that this is about a chess club, which is even sadder. In fact, two thirds of the way into the episode, Howard gets annoyed by that, too. A montage is called for.
Seeing the positions, however, is an even sadder affair. There’s no clear view of the back of the board here, but I’m quite confident in these pieces: 1
Yeah, maybe it was better before they played. I had this idea that criminality in high school was mostly restricted to some petty drug dealing, a little arson, and perhaps a mild shooting every now and then, but then I saw that pawn on a3.
Verdict: I’ll let this pass without further comment and hope quietly that thing will improve in the second episode.
Episode 2
Well, so far my hopes. What’s with these people?! Why are they even in a chess club? They don’t play chess, they don’t study chess, they don’t follow chess, they don’t even talk about chess! The only vaguely chess related thing they do in this episode is shooting an advertisement for some hobby shop that sponsors the club. The rest of the time they just talk about crushes and love and such things!
Boo! Boo! Do better! 2
Verdict: Horrid, awful, disastrous. False advertising even — there’s just no chess here!
Episode 3
God give me strength! I managed to watch Ogroff without problem, I lived through Think like a dog, I even escaped from The squeakquel with no lasting damage, but this shit is insufferable. I find myself pausing, pausing, and pausing again to recover from a new gulf of toe-curling cringe. And there’s not even any chess to compensate for it!
Hell, at some point a certain Beck, a new inductee of the chess club, even says “I thought there’d be more chess.” Me too, my man, me too. But the only chess is played in the very last seconds with one of those terrible ‘designer’ chess sets — and they’ve swapped the position of the kings and queens. I think I’ll abstain from further comments.
Verdict: Thank the Lord there’s no third season.
1. [I’m very confident in this diagram editor. I’m also quite confident I’ve used that line before.] ↩
2. [Minsc, help him!] ↩
3. [Of course, three episodes per season also fits perfectly in the Vivaldi tradition, so maybe that’s why.] ↩