When I first learned about the existence of a company called OxyChem — which happened shortly before this post — I immediately assumed they somehow specialized in the chemistry of oxygen, perhaps something to do with redox reactions or something. I felt fairly confident, at least, that the prefix “oxy” came from oxygen. But no. In fact, it doesn’t come from Greek at all; it’s a pun. The company is actually called Occidental Petroleum Corporation and is headquartered in Texas. At some point, they apparently released the ad above.
When or where this happened, I have no idea. Why it happened I also don’t know.1 Probably, they were swamped with orders and wanted to get rid of some customers, because everything about this ad is terrible. I dislike the look of the chessmen, with their tiny red colour elements. I dislike the design of the board, the squares of which look like buttons on a keyboard and come equipped with small, pointless circles in the corners. I dislike how the robotic arm is gingerly holding the bishop by the nub on its head and keeping it at a weird angle. I dislike the slogan, in which the company claims it is doomed to make the same stuff forever, poisonous or not.2
But I mostly dislike the position on the board. In fact, dislike is not strong enough a word.3
I decided rather arbitrarily that the golden pieces were probably white and the silver ones black and that we’re looking at the board from the first rank. Other conventions wouldn’t have made the position any more sensible. Nothing, barring a complete overhaul of the position, could possibly make it more sensible.
It all comes down to strategy, they claim. But it doesn’t. Before you get to strategy, you need to know the rules, get good at calculations, and be vaguely competent at tactics. In fact, strategy is the last ingredient you get to on the road to chess mastery.4 So quite literally everything in this ad is wrong and bad.
Realism: 0/5 There are no kings and there’s a pawn on the first rank. At this point, an explosion would be an upgrade.
Probable winner: Nobody wins here. It is just a general loss for humanity. Probably, OxyChem makes thalidomide or something, found out they can’t stop, and are warning the world via the medium of this ad. The message has been kept slightly obfuscated, so the shareholders won’t complain.
1. [Presumably Satan.] ↩
2. [It really sounds like they offended a Greek god by making higher purity deuterium than him and are now cursed to make the same thing for all eternity.] ↩
3. [This, however, is a strong enough diagram editor.] ↩
4. [Well, I think so. Maybe there’s some secret hidden ingredient I haven’t gotten to yet.] ↩